Wow did I make a mistake today! I have a friend that is getting married next week, and I sent a lovely gift and card today. In the card I wrote about enjoying the wedding, told them not to stress, and to just enjoy the whole process, because it only happens once! Yeah…this is his third marriage. Arrgg…I hope that they don’t take that in a bad way!!!!

Things have been going pretty good this week. I actually have been sleeping, and feeling fairly emotionaly stable, so that is good. We have been working a LOT, but it has been paying off despite the current economy.

The good thing about our business, is that most people who buy from us are wealthy, and have no problem still spending money.

I went to therapy last week, first time in a month. I cut my therapy down to once a month because I am tired of therapy. I want to quit altogether, but my husband is not letting that happen. He feels I still need it. I don’t know if I agree. I know there are times where it is beneficial, but I have been in therapy for 3 years now, and I am sick of it. I just feel like I should be able to handle this all on my own now, you know? I am sick of talking about it all. I just want to forget it all happened, I just want to push it all away, and get on with life.

Anyway, I am going to fix dinner now…more later.

Zoe

So it is not quite fall yet here in TX, because I still here crickets and cicadas….

My husband is not here, his grandmother is in the hospital and so he drove to Arkansas tonight to be with her. She is 96, and is having kidney failure…so things are scary right now. He wanted me to stay because we have a big deal closing tomorrow…so here I am feeling useless and unable to go to sleep. I will probably start scrubbing the house from ceiling to floorboard shortly in an effort to exhaust myself.

I still have basically no voice, well I can talk, but I now sound like Marge Simpson. And if I talk for more then about 5 minutes, it goes away completely.

So here I am sipping red wine, and looking for comfort from cyberspace.

I ate very poorly tonight and am feeling immensely guilty. I have never been bulimic, but let me tell you, it is sounding appealing right now. I would say the only thing that keeps me from purging right now is that I don’t want to even think about adding one more issue to my already full resume. So, I sit here miserably full because I had pasta…never a good thing, I swear it expands in your stomach.

I will make up for it tomorrow, I swear.

So speaking of fears…. I am TERRIFIED of roaches. I mean, curl up in a ball, cry, scream, shake, terrified. It stems from a horrible thing that happened when I was a child. When my mother finally left my father, after 6 years of marriage and abuse, she got the house. (If you can call a shack with no carpet or heat, walls full of holes and old destroyed furniture a house) We only stayed there for 3 months and then moved in with my grandparents. However, the first month there, a man showed up at our door one day. He told my mum that my father had sent him to spray for bugs. She let him in, and he sprayed all the corners and seams with a orderless, colorless liquid. Within 2 days, our house was absolutely teeming with roaches and other bugs. But mostly roaches. I mean, at night and in the day, so many of them… *shudders*… it turns out he was a friend of my father’s and as a favor, came to our house and doused it with not bug spray, but sugar water. I am not lying I swear. So, understandably I have quite the phobia.

Well, last night I was at home, and my husband had run to the store. He came walking up the stairs (we live in a second story condo) and when I went to open the front door a giant roach came running in. I screamed, or tried, b/c I have no voice all that came out was a little squeak, luckily for my neighbors. It went under the stove and I stood on a chair in the dining room shaking and crying. My husband finally coaxed me down, assuring me that one of the three cats would certainly find and kill it, and got me into bed. All night, every time I woke up, I thought of that damn bug.

Then this morning, I got up to go to the bathroom, and my lovely cat Shadow is sitting outside my bedroom door with the roach, dead, in between his paws just waiting for me. I jumped and squealed, but was so ecstatic and relived. I now feel that my little kitties will take great care of me and my house, and make sure NOTHING stays alive in here except for us! I subsequently gave all three kitties a bowl of cream each!

So, that is my hero story for the night!

Good night!

Zoe

Shadow, my hero!

OH MY GOSH! GRRRR I have NO voice. I mean zero, zip, none. I am actually feeling better, but I can’t talk to save my life!!!

Last night I went to a bachelorette party for a friend of mine, and I had a rough voice, kind of Lindsey Lohan if you will… then this morning, I woke up, stumbled into the kitchen of my best friend’s house where I had spent the night, and opened my mouth to say good morning…and NOTHING came out. And so it has been ALL day. To top it off, we then threw a couple’s shower for the same girl whose party we were at last night, and I spent the whole time in silence, because after several hours, my voice has yet to make an appearance.

I know none of you know me in “the real world” but I love to talk. The one thing I don’t mind saying about myself is that I never run out of things to say. Part of it is a defense mechanism I think? Even at my lowest, in public, I always try to appear chipper. Everyone thinks of me as so happy, so cheerful, so bubbly. No one except those closest to me, and you my dears, know of any problems. In fact, I would venture to say, that all but my family and closest friends would think I grew up in the whole “white picket fence, perfect happy childhood” world. No one would guess I fight anything…. not depression, not eating… never would anyone guess I was sexually abused. And I attribute that to being outwardly very happy.

So…. long story short, tonight was miserable…I resorted to writing notes and making noises to make myself feel better and still amuse all those around me.

Even trying to whisper all day has exhausted me. I think it takes more air to force a whisper then to talk normally, because I swear, I am dizzy and have a headache. And I did not drink, and I ate…well, I ate half a roll with some meat. But that filled me up, so it must be all the extra oxygen I had to use!

I have to brag for just a minute about the couple’s shower. The couple getting married got engaged at a park here in town, during a picnic. They had the blanket, basket etc, and he popped the question. Sooo, for the shower, here was my theme. We had an indoor picnic. We had 6 tables set up, with red and white table cloths. On the gift table was a big picnic basket full of flowers we picked from the field across the street. On all the other tables I had these baby picnic baskets that I found at the craft store (like 3 inches tall) that I put flowers in. We had red and white candles everywhere, and white twinkle lights in the ficus tree in the corner. Everything was finger food. We had wine with the little plastic wine glasses, b/c who brings real glass to a picnic? We had little plastic caterpillars, butterflies, and ants on the tables. And then in the center of it all was a picture that my best friend took of the park they got engaged at, we had it framed and matted, with the date written on the bottom. I swear I should be a party planner. Just kidding! But it was really cool. So blah blah, enough of that. Can you tell that the meds the doctor put me on hyped me up? Combine that with not being able to talk, and this is what you get, a LONG ASS POST!

Goodnight all!

Zoe

Yikes, I’ve been tagged by Aria!

Hmmmm…. 6 unspectacular things… here goes!

1. When I meet a large group of people for the first time I am incredibly outgoing, I have so many funny things to say, but put me in front of 2 strangers, and I am shy as can be.

2. I have been accused WAY to many times of sounding like Phoebe (from friends)

3. I LOVE watermelon dipped in Lite Ranch Dressing. YUUM!

4. I LOVE animals, but can’t watch animal planet anymore, because it either makes me incredibly sad, or incredibly angry at dumb ass people who hurt animals

5. I still sleep walk, one time in college I “sleep cleaned” My roomate woke up to me cleaning the dorm, but I was sound asleep, and it was about 2AM.

6. My mom and I have the same thumb creases, but opposite. My right thumb has 4 creases, my left has 3, hers are exactly mirror.

I hereby tag Miquie, & CS, . I don’t know anyone else to tag that has not already been hit!

Meme Terms and Conditions

1. Link to the person who tagged you.
2. Mention the rules on your blog.
3. List six unspectacular things about you.
4. Tag six other bloggers by linking to them.

Hey there, just a brief check in! I have been on my back with a virus of some sort or the other…flu like…so today is the first day I am actually moving around since Monday night. Yay! I have already worn myself out by trying to pick up the house and get some work done…so down for a nap I go!

I’ll catch up with every one as soon as possible!

Zoe

And I’m proud to be an American
Where at least I know I’m free.
And I won’t forget the men who died
Who gave that right to me.
And I gladly stand up next to you
And defend her still today.
Cause there ain’t no doubt I love this land.
God bless the U. S. A.

Democratic, Republican or Libertarian (that’s for you Aria) I think it is so important that we each take a moment to think back to September 11, 2001 and where we stood when our nation was attacked. I will never forget that day. I was in my dorm room, blow drying my hair, dreading going to my morning Geology class, when I heard my suite-mate crying on the other side of the door that divided our two dorms. I went in to find her in the dark, watching the TV, clutching a blanket like a lost 4 year old, tears streaming down her face. Just as I looked at the television in utter confusion, I watched the second plane collide with the World Trade Center. All I could think is,  “What in the f are the odds of TWO planes hitting the WTC??” Because in my mind, never would it have occurred someone would do this ON PURPOSE. We all sat around a large television in one of our friends dorms all day, watching September 11th unfold. For the next month or so, I will say I was one of the most patriotic people. And, to my embarrassment, and disappointment, I eventually lost that feeling. But as I watched the news this morning, I made a realization. September 11th is also the day my Grandfather passed, only one year before the attacks. And just as I still miss him, the pain is no longer what it was, and that is OK, that is human. But what is not OK is to still honor and respect his memory. That is what we should all be doing today. Please, no matter your faith, race, origin of birth, if you are in this country, enjoying the freedoms, the protection, the utter BLESSING of the United States, take a moment, bow your head and remember, EVERY DAY people die for our home. Take just 2 minutes of your busy afternoon to be thankfull you were not in those towers, and be remember those who were, and whose families will forever me scarred by the act of a cowardly group of people, who never knew what it was to live in this great country.

Zoe

I don’t really feel much like typing right now…just wanted to let all know that I am alive and…well.

Why is it that at night, my demons come out?

I think that when it gets dark, and it gets quiet, my brain takes advantage of the lull and kicks into panic mode.

All is well if I just stay busy.

Unfortunately, busy I am not. My husband was really tired tonight, and went to sleep at like 9pm, so I was stuck wide awake, with nothing good on T.V. And here it comes, the march of my insecurities. Part of me was sad, because he went to sleep so early. I felt…rejected. It is a Friday night, and I just wanted to spend time with him…I know he is tired, he works very hard, so why am I being irrational about this? I take everything personally, I catch my husband noding off in the chair and instead of thinking, “wow, he must be tired” my brain goes “what the hell did I do that he does not want to spend time with me?” Maddening…truly madening.

And then, as it gets more quiet, as the night goes on, I begin to face a whole load of issues… For some reason tonight, I have the overwhelming desire to cut, to hurt, to … anything that will relieve some pressure. If I smoked, I would be on the porch taking deep breaths of stress relieving nicotine. Unfortunatly, I despise cigaretts, and their smell. I tried one time to smoke a cigarette, and promtly threw up!

I am feeling useless, and sad, and anxious. And then, to top it off, I am pissed at myself for feeling this way. Why can’t I just be normal?? Why cant my brain work like everyone else’s in the sane world? Why was I made this way??? Or better yet, why did I become this way.

I know the abuse has certain factors. I started SI at 11. I threatened to kill myself repeatedly at 8. 8 is when the abuse started. Obviously there are some connections there. But I have faced the abuse. I have undergone, and still undergo therapy. I have been throught the worst, the failed suicide attempt 6 years ago, the darkest depression of my life, when it was all I could do to keep myself from ramming my head through a plate glass window. So, if that is in the past, why do I have these feelings in the present.

I truly feel that I can acknowledge what was done to me, and be over it. I no longer cry about it, I no longer nightmare about it. Does it ever all go away? Will I ever get over my desperate feeling to control everything around me?

Why does he get to win….

I am so glad Friday is here! I just want to relax this weekend! The crappy part of owning your own business, is you never feel all the way relaxed. The phone still rings on the weekend, you still have to work most weekends…business is never far from your mind.

This week has been an emotional roller coaster. I know, nothing too new there…

It has also been a beautiful week! It rained Tuesday and Wednesday, but the temperature dropped!! In fact, on Thursday, I was practically cold! I think we got down to 68F!!! (Well, at night, it was 75 in the day)

Still, after a summer of 100+ days, it was a relief.

Well, I know this is short, but I am exhausted. I just want this day to be over, and to go home and relax! Here I come Mr. Bubble!

So I have really gotten into cooking lately. And I mean GOOD cooking. If it does not have at least 10 or 12 ingredients in it, I don’t wasted my time. It makes me feel very calm to be in the kitchen, music on, methodically chopping vegetables, making sauces, smelling all the good smells. And, it has become a good excuse for not eating much dinner. By the time you spend 2 hours cooking dinner, you really are not hungry. Its like smelling all of it filled you up. Which is perfectly fine with me. Lately I have been trying to lose a little weight, and it is harder then normal. It seems like my boy is rebelling. For instance, today I had no breakfast, then I had a tortilla and a 100 calorie snack pack for lunch. But I swear, I feel so full, and my stomach is HUGE. I keep thinking I ate something and don’t remember it. I took a nap (I took  today off) and in my dream I ate TWO cheeseburgers and a whole thing of fries and was still hungry. Can dreaming of food make your stomach bloat up?

And then the worst thing last night…my husband and I were in the bedroom, etc etc, and he kept telling me how much he LOVES my breasts, they are so perfect, so this so that. Keep in mind, I was genetically given something most people do not have. Even when I was at my lowest weight in college, 98lbs at 5′6″, I was still a C cup. (If you knew my Mom, you would see the resemblance!) I have had people straight up ask me if they are fake. NO!! They are not huge or gigantic, just out of proportion for my body, and if I must say, very perky as well. Normally, I like them. Even when the rest of me is thin, they leave me feeling…feminine. Lately though, I have been wishing they were smaller. Wishing, that I could shrink them along with me. Now, last night, this made me very anxious. All I could think was “does that mean I have gained weight? Have they gotten bigger?? ugh, please don’t let them be bigger! That would mean there is MORE fat on me….” I know he meant it as a compliment, but aarrgghh, it was frustrating…And I can’t tell him. If I tell him, he starts worrying that I am having trouble with my eating again.

Do any of these thoughts make sense or does this post lump me in with the crazy sector??